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Nice Guy syndrome
Nice guy syndrome is a widely discussed romantic theory among some geek men. Theory Nice guy is a term in the general public discourse describing an adult or teenage male with friendly yet unassertive personality traits in the context of a relationship with a woman. A typical nice guy is perceived to put the needs of others before his own, avoids confrontations, does favors, gives emotional support, and generally acts nicely towards women. However, because a Nice Guy has not learned to take care of his own wants and needs, he actually comes across as controlling, disingenuous, inauthentic, resentful and put-upon. He is prone to behaviors like "giving-to-get" (with strings attached) as well as patterns of idealizing and devaluing women. The terms Nice Guy™ and nice guy syndrome are used to describe men who view themselves as prototypical "nice guys," but whose "nice deeds" are in reality only motivated by attempts to passively please women into a relationship and/or sex. A "Nice Guy" recovery movement exists, encouraging men to be more emotionally honest. Criticism Feminists and others have criticised many aspects of Nice Guy Syndrome, mostly arguing that in some ways Nice Guys (often now called "Nice Guys™" with a trademark symbol to distinguish them from men who happen to be nice people) are not actually good friends or nice to their interest. There are some aspects of the Nice Guy™ pattern that may be due to inexperience: * romantically and sexually fixating on one person before they express any mutual interest in you is simply a relationship mistake to which many people are prone and may improve with time, experience or self-examination * Nice Guys™ seem to regard a man's relationship with a woman as successful or valuable only if it is romantic or sexual in nature, i.e. friendship is failure * Nice Guys™ may view a relationship with a woman as the only possible source of happiness in their lives Some aspects are due to the different socialisation of men and women: * women are culturally trained to be gentle when rejecting men sexually, thus "you'd be a great boyfriend for someone else" and "you're like a brother to me" may be signals that the woman knows of the attraction and is trying to gently let the man down and encourage him to find other people he is attracted to, rather than callous obliviousness Some aspects suggest that Nice Guys™ view women in essentialist or sexist ways: * nice guys seem to expect, at some point, sexual "payment" for their kindness and generosity; that is, their niceness is self-interested * the self-interest is deceitful: if the man does not reveal his attraction and expresses willingness to support his friend with her problems, that it makes sense for her to treat his friendship as genuine and take the offered support * the implicit trade of "niceness" (emotional support) for sex is a sexist generalisation that women want closeness and men want sex, so they can trade one for the other * Nice Guys™ regard women as in some ways moral guardians: that women should choose the nicest men for sex in order to reward them for doing the right thing * some men continue to think of themselves as "nice guys" even as they spend their time using misogynistic slurs to describe their alleged best friends and dear loves * some "nice guys" consider themselves heroes for not raping women or hitting them (see Feminist cookie) Some aspects suggest that Nice Guys™ view themselves in essentialist ways: * the insistence on being close friends and mutually emotionally involved before expressing any romantic or sexual interest may involve some distrust of heterosexual men's sexuality as inherently dirty or predatory A corollary to these criticisms are that no one is owed love or sex. Loneliness and unfulfilled desires are tragic and painful but feminists argue that consent is the only ethical relationship underpinning, and that requiring mutual consent for relationships and for sex will mean that some people do not get their romantic or sexual desires fulfilled at any given time. Positive aspects Some Nice Guy™ analysis recognises problems with the structure of heterosexual relationships, including: * the expectation that the man must always be the initiator and aggressor. * the expectation that men and women can't be emotionally intimate, only physically intimate * the reality that some men like and are suited to close emotional relationships that aren't considered masculine Some feminist men identify themselves as former Nice Guys™. Additional reading * Explainer: What is a "Nice Guy®?" * Friday Feminism on the run: Nice Guys (TM) redux and what makes an ideal husband and father: "She’s just hit the nail on the head with what bothers me about the Nice Guy ™ rhetoric, those whines from some men about how it’s so unfair that women won’t flock to be with them when he’s a “decent” bloke who doesn’t do nasty things to women, and what more do they want? Well, colour us as unreasonably demanding, but women do tend to want a little bit more than a guy who simply refrains from being nasty like it’s some great sacrifice..." * Do you have that female friend that you’re hopelessly in love with that unloads all her problems on you, only to end up back in the sack with that loser ex that cheated on her with her own sister, leaving you high and dry?: "[The comic The Nice Guy] expects us to empathise with a character who, despite being idealised to the point where we’re supposed to accept 'involuntary decency' as his only character flaw, cannot help but come across as a manipulative, angry, boring, self-pitying misogynist manchild... comic is based on the premise that all women are vacuous, infantile bimbos who are utterly incapable of making rational decisions, specifically the decision to fuck the main character because of that time he helped them move house." * Nice Guy (TM) at XKCD